a boy and his computer
IM hijinks

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Back when Matt and I worked together, we talked a lot of shit on IM. We started doing this when we were both working for the same company and needed to complain about and ridicule the management or the other employees behind their backs, and it grew out of that. It got to the point where we would IM each other, even though we were sitting right next to each other--that way you don't have to take off your headphones.

Over time these chats developed into a fairly stylized art form, with vague rules and, as Matt put it, a certain je ne sais quoi that gave them coherence. I had logs of it going back a couple of years of all the shit we talked, so I snipped out some of the funniest bits and put them here.

Caution: some of this stuff is really offensive. I mean really, profoundly vulgar and bad. If words like "shit" and "fuck" and "felching homo" upset you, you should avoid reading any of these entries. I hesitated a little bit to put this page up, because I'm actually a pretty nice guy, and Matt is a really nice guy, one of the most decent people I've ever met, but sometimes when guys get together, they behave badly.

You were warned.

1/21/2008   Gaydar   (1 comment)
10/26/2007   Freshness   (No comments)
9/18/2007   GD vs. ImageMagick   (No comments)
8/31/2007   The dawning of a new age, with cake and punch   (3 comments)
4/19/2007   Ur-Jokes   (7 comments)
4/18/2007   Wait 'til you see how the seal plays the horns   (1 comment)
4/16/2007   Pie Chart   (5 comments)
4/13/2007   It's A Living!   (4 comments)
3/19/2007   Web 2.0   (1 comment)
3/19/2007   I never thought of that   (4 comments)
3/12/2007   Good vs. Evil   (3 comments)
2/13/2007   Homo erectus   (3 comments)
8/25/2006   Your Mom   (1 comment)
8/15/2006   Mister Gay Show episode is new!   (7 comments)
8/9/2006   AFK   (No comments)
7/25/2006   The price of fame   (No comments)
7/25/2006   Affection   (No comments)
6/26/2006   Frailty, thy name is Emo   (4 comments)
6/22/2006   Contact   (No comments)
6/2/2006   Lackospinaloma   (4 comments)
5/30/2006   Mutant power   (5 comments)
5/26/2006   Nemesis   (6 comments)
5/12/2006   Office supplies   (No comments)
5/10/2006   I have nothing bad to say about you today   (No comments)
5/8/2006   Reconciling general relativity and... thingy   (No comments)
5/3/2006   Compound insults   (3 comments)
5/3/2006   Sure thing, science!   (No comments)
3/31/2006   Monster cock   (5 comments)
3/30/2006   Funny/silly thingies   (No comments)
3/29/2006   Blog-American   (No comments)
3/21/2006   Sucking discontinued   (No comments)
3/15/2006   Internet friends   (1 comment)
3/13/2006   Advances in jerking technology   (No comments)
2/13/2006   Cheney   (2 comments)
2/9/2006   Shit humor   (No comments)
2/3/2006   More Panda Sex   (4 comments)
8/29/2005   Wasps   (3 comments)
3/21/2005   Pulling humor from Uranus   (15 comments)
3/1/2005   Almost funny   (1 comment)
2/1/2005   Lunch and I have a complicated relationship   (7 comments)
12/7/2004   Nuts in the fountain   (5 comments)
11/24/2004   Instant Half Life   (7 comments)
7/1/2004   REAL coders   (10 comments)
6/30/2004   Surprise   (3 comments)
6/30/2004   starwars()   (1 comment)
6/28/2004   The Second Coming (or, There And Back Again)   (10 comments)
6/24/2004   Fagapalooza   (1 comment)
6/19/2004   Undecided   (15 comments)
6/10/2004   The Magic of the Internet!   (4 comments)
6/10/2004   Donations   (4 comments)
5/20/2004   Love In The Ruins   (4 comments)
5/17/2004   Lost Hijink: Internet Monitoring   (1 comment)
4/30/2004   The Ghost of Hitler, plus SMS slang   (4 comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Most Beautiful Woman   (No comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Classic Eucharist   (No comments)
4/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Surrealism.com   (No comments)
4/22/2004   Lost Hijink: Amish Blogging   (2 comments)
4/21/2004   Stealth communion   (2 comments)
4/7/2004   Lost Hijink: [ OK ] [ Cancel ]   (No comments)
3/31/2004   Kill! Maim! Destroy!   (3 comments)
3/31/2004   Lost Hijink: Web Religion   (No comments)
3/31/2004   Lost Hijink: Ass Milkshake   (No comments)
3/29/2004   Baptism of the Dead   (24 comments)
3/29/2004   Lost Hijink: Boredom   (No comments)
3/25/2004   Lost Hijink: ABAHC Platinum, Methodist Trademarks   (No comments)
3/23/2004   Lost Hijink: Job Satisfaction   (No comments)
3/22/2004   Lost Hijink: Outclassed   (No comments)
3/19/2004   Loving you   (4 comments)
3/15/2004   Lost Hijink: Polling   (No comments)
3/15/2004   Lost Hijink: Family Economy   (No comments)
3/12/2004   Lost Hijink: Oh yeah, I really hope you like this one   (No comments)
3/9/2004   Live Bat   (3 comments)
3/5/2004   Worms and iTunes   (1 comment)
3/3/2004   Business Plan 2.0   (3 comments)
3/3/2004   Lost Hijink: Lifestyles   (No comments)
3/3/2004   Lost Hijink: Genius   (No comments)
2/19/2004   This too, too sullied flesh   (2 comments)
2/17/2004   Lost Hijink: Verbing   (No comments)
2/16/2004   Lost Hijink: Scheduling   (No comments)
2/13/2004   Lost Hijink: Quorum   (No comments)
2/13/2004   "Database" technology   (No comments)
2/13/2004   PWN3D   (No comments)
2/5/2004   Lost Hijink: Cuisine   (No comments)
1/30/2004   Suckiest   (1 comment)
1/12/2004   Scary   (5 comments)
12/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Surnames   (No comments)
12/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Pepperidge Fahm Remembahs   (No comments)
12/12/2003   Lost Hijink: New Flavors   (2 comments)
12/12/2003   Lost Hijink: Deficit Sucking   (1 comment)
12/10/2003   Stupid caring   (3 comments)
12/5/2003   Jingle Balls   (9 comments)
12/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Action News   (No comments)
11/21/2003   A Very Special Episode   (5 comments)
11/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Nucular Cock-blocking   (No comments)
11/10/2003   Bandwidth   (9 comments)
10/21/2003   ?   (4 comments)
10/20/2003   Lost Hijink: Caffeination   (No comments)
10/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Exit Line   (No comments)
10/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Love   (No comments)
10/13/2003   Lost Hijink: Wall-mounted   (1 comment)
10/10/2003   Volcanoes and poop   (No comments)
10/9/2003   Ass-kicking   (1 comment)
10/9/2003   Lost Hijink: Childhood Trauma   (1 comment)
9/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Expectations   (No comments)
9/23/2003   Interview   (1 comment)
9/22/2003   Lost Hijink: P2P   (No comments)
9/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Countdown   (No comments)
9/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Racist   (No comments)
9/4/2003   Lost Hijink: Boy Butter   (No comments)
9/4/2003   Lost Hijink: Ignorance truly is bliss   (No comments)
8/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Ontology   (No comments)
8/28/2003   Lost Hijink: Rorschach Test   (No comments)
8/28/2003   Lost Hijink: The Final Piece of the Puzzle   (No comments)
8/20/2003   Lost Hijink: Cheese!   (No comments)
8/18/2003   Lost Hijink: Channels of Communication   (No comments)
8/11/2003   Lost Hijink: Job Search   (No comments)
8/8/2003   Lost Hijink: Gigli   (No comments)
8/8/2003   Exodus International   (1 comment)
8/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Wifebot   (No comments)
7/29/2003   Service   (No comments)
7/28/2003   Theology   (No comments)
7/24/2003   Seamus O'Homo   (No comments)
7/21/2003   Lost Hijink: More Happy Mister Gay!   (No comments)
7/17/2003   Lost Hijink: Wet, Soggy Ass   (No comments)
7/16/2003   Lost Hijink: Faux Lesbian Holocaust   (No comments)
7/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Book Sales   (No comments)
7/15/2003   Lost Hijink: Confidential   (No comments)
7/8/2003   Happy fun gay time!   (5 comments)
7/7/2003   Processes   (No comments)
6/23/2003   Lost Hijink: Harry Potter Pre-order   (No comments)
6/12/2003   Suck()   (9 comments)
6/11/2003   Expense report   (No comments)
6/9/2003   Lost Hijink: Grant Proposal   (No comments)
6/6/2003   Lost Hijink: I Know You   (No comments)
6/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Must Be One Of Hannibal's Schemes   (No comments)
6/3/2003   Business plan   (No comments)
5/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Prose Style   (No comments)
5/29/2003   Lost Hijink: Idea Man   (No comments)
5/28/2003   Mistaken identity   (1 comment)
5/21/2003   Breakfast taco proclamation   (2 comments)
5/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Nigerian Scam E-Mail   (No comments)
5/19/2003   Philip K. Dick (heh... he said "dick")   (1 comment)
5/19/2003   Enlargement   (3 comments)
5/15/2003   Fecal matters of great import   (No comments)
5/14/2003   Lost Hijink: Clarification   (1 comment)
5/13/2003   Scalar   (No comments)
5/13/2003   Texas Labor Code §402.083   (No comments)
5/12/2003   Bonding   (3 comments)
5/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Gay Fag Homo   (No comments)
4/29/2003   Lost Hijink: I'm Back!   (No comments)
4/24/2003   Lost Hijink: Mistaken Identity   (No comments)
4/18/2003   Lost Hijink: New Dad   (No comments)
3/19/2003   Lost Hijink: Thin Line Between Love And Hate   (No comments)
3/18/2003   Lost Hijink: All Homosexuals Should Own Guns   (No comments)
3/14/2003   Performance Art   (4 comments)
3/13/2003   Lost Hijink: ANSI Standard Homo   (No comments)
3/12/2003   Lost Hijink: Portuguese Thought For The Day   (No comments)
3/5/2003   Lost Hijink: Bearer of Bad News   (No comments)
10/17/2002   Metrics   (1 comment)
9/23/2002   Gentle persuasion   (3 comments)
9/16/2002   Intelligent design   (No comments)
9/12/2002   Sea dogs   (No comments)
9/10/2002   Dork Night   (5 comments)
9/10/2002   Help Desk   (1 comment)
9/9/2002   Gravitational pull   (No comments)
9/5/2002   Sucking   (5 comments)
8/22/2002   Saccharin   (5 comments)
8/19/2002   Ass-Strips™   (3 comments)
7/31/2002   Foo Fighters   (No comments)
7/30/2002   I'm suing you   (5 comments)
7/24/2002   FellatioMan and Suck-Lad   (1 comment)
7/23/2002   In Elizabethan times   (2 comments)
7/18/2002   Urban slang   (No comments)
7/16/2002   Enforced Profitability   (5 comments)
7/15/2002   Communicating with cheese   (1 comment)
7/10/2002   Fans overseas   (No comments)
7/3/2002   DOES NOT COMPUTE   (No comments)
7/3/2002   Market value   (No comments)
6/28/2002   Intimacy   (1 comment)
6/28/2002   What should I blog about today?   (1 comment)
6/20/2002   19" monitor   (No comments)
6/19/2002   The whichness of what   (14 comments)
6/17/2002   Back from Planet Hooston   (No comments)
6/17/2002   Make-A-Blackmail-Photo kit   (1 comment)
6/6/2002   Mysterious donkey   (No comments)
6/4/2002   Interactive entertainment   (1 comment)
6/4/2002   Networking   (No comments)
4/18/2002   Making friends   (2 comments)
4/2/2002   The gentle bonds of friendship between men   (7 comments)
3/27/2002   Kinky stuff   (3 comments)
3/15/2002   Killing processes   (No comments)
1/24/2002   Animal lovers   (3 comments)
12/20/2001   Friendship is rare   (4 comments)

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trivia fact #1396
In 1900 there were 50,000 motorised vehicles worldwide. In 2000 there were more than 650 million.
copyright/legal
All content on this website is copyright © 1996-2008 by Ryland Sanders, unless otherwise specified; some material that is excerpted or quoted is copyright of its respective owners. Logo and icon illustrations by Will Guy, a.k.a. Goopymart, who is made out of awesome.
links mini-blog
New Fear & Loathing: Ska Sucks! F&L 100th Strip and Bovverworld Crossovar!
Inspired by my friend Rachel-Bassist for Dealin' With It(DWI) a hardcore band out of NYC. Adult content!
A Old Man in Rock and Roll Clothes
Photos from Punk Island and Meatlocker shows on 21st June 08
Seizure of belongings leaves new homeowners baffled, angry
An immigrant couple who recently closed on their first house in America came home from work to find that the mortgage company had seized all their property, including all their personal belongings, due to a bookkeeping snafu. Over 6 weeks later, their belongings haven't been returned and the mortgage company hasn't reimbursed the family for their loss.
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
Marriage Protection Amendment resolution introduced... by Larry Craig and David Vitter
You may remember Sen. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig (R-ID) and Sen. David "John" Vitter (R-LA) from their arrests for soliciting sex in an airport bathroom and being a patron of the DC Madam's prostitution ring respectively.
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
James Dobson Doesn't Speak For Me
Christians speaking out against fundamentalism and fear-mongering? This makes me hopeful.
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
If This Doesn't Prove Bush Is A Horse's Behind, Nothing Does.
Bush compliments the Filipino president for his White House chef. These are the first words that came out of his mouth - ignoring the typhoon and the sinking of the ferry that carried 800 people in the Philippines.
Posted by Mermaid :: 0 comments
Black Tuesday
Gore Vidal article on 11th September 2001
YouTube - DOG vs. BALLOONS
It's like popping bubble wrap for a dog, I guess.
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
Skinhead Humour
One of the means by which Skins deal with the racist problem: by mocking the hell out of it. NSFW language.
'Women vote for Democrats because they "tend to think with their hearts and not with their minds"'
Nothing like the '"Liberal" Media' continuing to pimp old stereotypes.
New Fear & Loathing: Elektronik! Supersonik!
It's like a whole new 'Zero Wing!'
Smoke and Mirrors
McCain 'Town Hall' meetings are actually staged events. Imagine my surprise.
Chapman KS Tornadoes
My sister's town got hit by a tornado. These are some pictures she took of the storm damage.
Pig In Boots
A pig that is afraid of the mud?!
Posted by Mermaid :: 2 comments
Internet Goin Nutz (nsfw)
I got da innanet goin nutz
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
"Terrorist fist jab"? Are you fucking kidding me? [Updated]
Teasing a segment about a "body language expert" brought in to analyze Barack and Michelle Obama's victory fist pound, Fox News talking head E.D. Hill asks whether the gesture could be called a "terrorist fist jab." No, I'm not kidding.
Posted by Ryland :: 4 comments
Make No Mistake: McCain's a Neocon
Since clinching the Republican presidential nomination, John McCain has sought to hide the forest of his neoconservative alignment with George W. Bush amid the trees of details, such as stressing differences over military tactics used in Iraq.
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
Aryan Outfitters
Meet the Ku Klux Klan's seamstress of hate couture.
Posted by Ryland :: 0 comments
Opponents of Evolution Adopting a New Strategy
Creationists' arguments continue to, er, evolve.
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
RUBBISH!
"Portland's top brass said it was OK to swipe your garbage--so we grabbed theirs."
Posted by Ryland :: 1 comment
latest user comments
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 7/3/2008 7:31pm:
(image)
Ryland, 7/3/2008 4:03pm:
I personally don't care for the term "atheist", for two reasons; the first being that I don't think it ...
Ben, 7/3/2008 2:13pm:
In a point however, many Atheists feel the need to be grouped by a collective term as to not ...
Harmony, 7/3/2008 8:38am:
Harmony's Home Page: Civil Liberty Links http://www.geocities.c...
Valacosa, 6/29/2008 8:27pm:
As long as you avoid the clbuttic mistakes. When it comes to the use of the word ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 6/27/2008 10:55pm:
You may remember Sen. Larry "Wide Stance" Craig (R-ID) and Sen. David "John" Vitter (R-LA) from their arrests for ...
redraven, 6/27/2008 6:01pm:
I went back and re-read that thread as well, Dave. It gave me a great deal of pleasure ...
Dave, 6/27/2008 5:36pm:
Wow! I somehow missed that racist thread from June 2007. Actually, wish I'd missed it this time too, reminds ...
redraven, 6/27/2008 1:41pm:
What makes me even more hopeful is that this site was set up by the pastor who married Bush's ...
SDA in SEA, 6/26/2008 12:49pm:
Oh, please. Obama's logo is kinda, sorta, vaguely similar to the presidential seal. It's also kinda similar to the ...
Mermaid, 6/26/2008 10:34am:
I'm still debating on whether to contact authorities about the pastor's son-in-law because I don't want to bother the ...
Rick, 6/26/2008 8:21am:
I'm not gonna get a response, I mailed this on June 2nd and it's the church equivalence of telling ...
redraven, 6/26/2008 12:07am:
Excellent letter Rick. Let us know if you get a response.
Mermaid, 6/25/2008 11:42pm:
You rock, Dude. Good luck with this.
Rick, 6/25/2008 10:36pm:
Sorry for being a little distracted lately. It's my busy season, I'm bidding on several contracts now and ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 6/25/2008 8:52pm:
Commie Hippie Swine! I'll be 'round later to eat yr SPLEEN. Raw. I has to round up my Skinbyrd ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 6/25/2008 8:47pm:
Brou-ha-ha? HA! HA! HA! BTW do you want this Door Knocker back? Been waiting years to use that line. ...
E_B_A, 6/25/2008 8:35pm:
Don't all Muslims worship Satan? That's what Ann Coulter learned me.
E_B_A, 6/25/2008 8:34pm:
Everyone knows that Rick and I are the only liberals on here. Um... yeah... *E_B_A WHISTLES TO ...
Comrade Otto Yamamoto, 6/25/2008 8:20pm:
dang y'all must be some really lonely people to post that much about my spelling lol. just goes to ...
redraven, 6/25/2008 7:16pm:
Maybe someone with half the brains you gauys have will just do what i asked or maybe not but ...
redraven, 6/25/2008 6:46pm:
That's "freshly-slain virgin babies". Get yer facts strait dude!
Mermaid, 6/25/2008 6:27pm:
before proclaiming their love of SatanNo silly. They proclaim their love of Allah. Obama is a Muslim, remember?
E_B_A, 6/25/2008 6:19pm:
So it's not true that Obama refuses to wear a flag pin instead opting to wear a pin of ...
Ryland, 6/25/2008 4:52pm:
"Typical liberal"? Seriously? Is that really the best you can do? Tell you what: lurk for a while. ...
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